STAVE I: CHRISTMAS

  Usually, it’s so cold in the Northern Plains that freezing rain isn’t a problem. States to our south reel from ice storms, and we watch in relief as the north once again escapes.  Even windy, subzero weather is better than unscrapeable windshields, snapping power lines and deadly sidewalks.   If ice follows snow, you can shovel it away with a little effort. But if ice comes first, watch out!    This year, ice came first, starting with sneaky freezing drizzle. It melded with packed snow into one stubborn coating of ice, and though it was quickly followed by warm air, we didn’t take full advantage of that warmth.  Slick patches remain on walkways and surfaces.  I hadn’t realized that a slab of ice lurked under snow along the lift-gate of our minivan -- until I tried to place groceries in the back.    I brushed away the snow, but an ice ridge remained. I tried lifting the hatch to shove the ice away, but the ice was too much for the lift-gate....

 Making Santa’s naughty list   Why does Santa take the time to do all he does at Christmas? Most say it’s because he’s a saint and he does it from the goodness of his heart, and maybe so. But the cynics among us know that if we were Santa, we would do it for the power and pleasure of composing those naughty lists.   Admit it. There is a perverse enjoyment in writing off those people who irritate you, confound you, cause you to pull out your hair. Wouldn’t you love to scribble their name on the naughty list?   My naughty list would include the person who came up with blue toothpaste.    Toothpaste was clean and white, the way you’d like your teeth to be, and then some character came along and turned bathrooms into smeary, gloppy, blue messes.   Even adult toothpastes are not safe. Recently, trying to avoid the blue goo, I chose a toothpaste called Total that stressed mature themes: germ fighting, plaque-busting, gum-protecting benefits. You would e...

Christmas spirit all month long   If Gray Thursday and Black Friday set the pace for the Christmas season, it’s going to be a rough ride. Some years, especially when Thanksgiving and Christmas are close together, it seems like Christmas itself gets trampled in the rush to get things done.   The very heart of Christmas can become like a flattened Black Friday shopper out in the cold parking lot of life.   To prevent the scurry and hurry of the season from destroying what counts, it helps to focus on the charitable center, the Bob Cratchit cheer, the ho ho ho and the Holy, Holy, Holy. Will we end up in frustration, mummified in wrapping paper and wearing a scowl? Or will we shine with inner peace and candlelight glow?   Here is a list of 25 ways to keep Christmas in perspective and help go for the glow:   1. Hum carols throughout the day.   2. Bell-ringers you come across? Visit them twice: once when entering the store and again when exiting. ...

Too much information     A friend’s mom left her senior living facility and moved into an apartment because of “too much information.”   She said residents conversed only on two topics:   health problems and neglectful children.   After the third colonoscopy conversation, I can see that she might be ready to move out.    “Too much information” has become a popular catchphrase to use when conversations become too gross, too personal or too uncomfortable.   A friend describes ancient gallbladder surgery and goes into detail about the incision? Too much information!   A relative gives mushy particulars about intimacy with her boyfriend? Too much information!     Someone tweets on bodily functions? #TooMuchInformation.   We can now listen to Justin Bieber, while watching Dr. Who, while reading Jane Austen and playing Halo IV. Why we’d want to, I don’t know. But we can.   Recently, I tried to watch my son...

   Roy got up at 6:30 the day after Christmas so he could beat the crowds and get to the gift return counter as early as possible.   When he arrived at the store parking lot, he was surprised at the number of shoppers with the same idea. He parked, grabbed his unwanted gift and made for the return counter.    Quite a few shoppers had arrived ahead of him, but that was okay; standing in line would allow him to think about what to buy with his refund.    For Christmas, he’d really wanted the shiatsu massager with iPod dock and mug warmer, but no one thought to give it to him. Maybe he could have it after all.    Standing in line, he was cold. The return counter stood near the front door, and cold air rushed in. His neck ached from looking over and around heads to see the gift return clerks.    He heard the exchanges at the counter:    “Do you have a receipt?”    “No.”    Well, who did have a receipt for ...

    I spent 30 minutes helping my son search for a blue folder containing sheet music. After turning the house upside down, my son finally remembered that the music wasn't in a folder at all, but in a plain manila envelope.    I had passed it dozens of times because I didn't really know what I was looking for.    In another fruitless search, my daughter agreed to pick up some blue replacement bulbs for an outdoor strand of Christmas lights. I wasn't sure the size: C-7? C-9? The bulbs didn't say. The cord didn't say. I tried describing them. A little bigger than my thumb. My daughter searched thoroughly and returned with C-7s – too small. They were smaller than my thumb, but larger than hers.    Searching for an overdue book is similar. What are we looking for? A red hardback about the size of a thick novel, someone says. No luck. A week later we find it: a tall, thin, blue paperback. We really didn't know what we were looking for. ...