Making Santa's Naughty List

 Making Santa’s naughty list

  Why does Santa take the time to do all he does at Christmas? Most say it’s because he’s a saint and he does it from the goodness of his heart, and maybe so. But the cynics among us know that if we were Santa, we would do it for the power and pleasure of composing those naughty lists.

  Admit it. There is a perverse enjoyment in writing off those people who irritate you, confound you, cause you to pull out your hair. Wouldn’t you love to scribble their name on the naughty list?

  My naughty list would include the person who came up with blue toothpaste. 

  Toothpaste was clean and white, the way you’d like your teeth to be, and then some character came along and turned bathrooms into smeary, gloppy, blue messes. 

 Even adult toothpastes are not safe. Recently, trying to avoid the blue goo, I chose a toothpaste called Total that stressed mature themes: germ fighting, plaque-busting, gum-protecting benefits. You would expect such a toothpaste to be the normal toothpaste white. But no.

Who was this blue gel inventor??? He deserves the naughty list!

NAUGHTY. CHECK.

 My naughty list would also include those people (to remain unnamed) who do not replace cordless phones in their cradles. These are people so thoughtless that they would rather let a phone battery weaken and die than take the effort to hang UP!

NAUGHTY. CHECK.

 Also on my naughty list would be political cartoonists who simply blather. My dad was a political cartoonist. He spent every Wednesday evening poring over international and domestic newspapers and news magazines to be informed before he ever thought to touch ink to paper.

  He spent hours reading the Manchester Guardian, Le Monde, the Washington Post, Time and Newsweek,  and several other news sources. He knew the political scene before trying to satirize it. Most of today’s political cartoonists must spend their evenings watching sit coms. Their work is boring, amateurish and thoughtless.

NAUGHTY. CHECK.

 Also on my naughty list would be those who leave cupboard doors open after taking out items. You know who you are. It never occurs to you to close the stupid door! 

NAUGHTY. CHECK.

Last on my naughty list would be those people with short tempers whose mission in life is to make everyone around them feel two-inches tall. These folks believe that sharp retorts and loud replies trump calm logic.

Boy, they IRRITATE me. They might start off gently but before long they are yelling in your face and belittling you. The volume level goes up and your ears start to pound. 

These people don’t HAVE A CLUE WHAT’S HAPPENING IN OTHER PEOPLE’S LIVES, AND THEY FROST ME! I’d like to tell them to TAKE A HIKE! Can’t they have A LITTLE COMPASSION, THE IDIOTS? Oh. Wait.

And that’s the problem with naughty lists. Before long, you find you’re on your own naughty list. Didn’t I just leave the phone off the hook overnight and now it’s not even charging? Yes. That was me. Didn’t I just yell at someone who didn’t deserve it? Didn’t I leave that cupboard door open? 

   Well, at least I didn’t invent blue toothpaste!

  The beauty of Christmas is that this Christ child, of the Christmas story, grows up and takes our place on God’s naughty list. 

  He says to us, “You, child, are precious. You, child, will forever be on the good list -- because my good son wants you there, and he’s willing to put His own name on this naughty list and let you off.”

GOOD. CHECK.